Guys, Get a Clue!
Rabbi Yehudah ben Shomeyr and Moriah
bat Shofar
“Men are
from Mars and Women are from Venus” is the title of one book on relationships
that accurately sums up the many difference between men and women (I rarely
recommend secular books, but this one is a must read). In matters of faith, the
stark contrasts rear their ugly heads and start a head butting contest like two
rams when a man comes to Torah and the woman does not. And when the man jumps
in with both feet and expects the woman to follow like a lemming off a cliff,
he finds to his bewilderment that she is stubborn like a mule attempted to be
pulled along by its owner and won’t budge. That’s when the man gets all
dictatorial and smugly patriarchal and foolishly tries to use the Torah (the
very thing the woman is so unsure of) to put the screws to the wife in an
attempt to make her “submit” and follow him. After all, it’s the fulfilment of
the vows, “to love and obey” and all that jazz, right!?
I get guys
ever so often who come to me in utter frustration; feeling a bit emasculated
asking me to fix their wives. Look pal, I understand your frustration, but I
don’t run an obedience school and I am positive your wife’s name is not
Marmaduke!
Sheliach Kefa
(the Apostle Peter) was the redneckish, gruff, manly man type. The one who you
would think would demand total and unquestioning submission from his wife. But
look at what he wrote:
Likewise,
ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the
wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of
life; that your prayers be not hindered. – I Peter 3:7
I do not read, “Walk and obey Torah with me or else you rebellious
woman!” do you? If so, you need more than new reading glasses, you may need a
heart or brain transplant!
Kefa, despite his hasty and gruff nature we gather that he was, from
accounts we read about him in the Brit Chadasha (New Testament/Renewed
Covenant), we see here he is keenly aware and sensitive to the differences
between men and women. Kefa was by no means a milquetoast, “yes ma’am” kind of
guy. He demanded the proper respect that Torah instructs a woman to give a man
(I Peter 3:1-6).
Likewise,
ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the
wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of
life; that your prayers be not hindered. – I Peter 3:7
In this
verse Kefa is giving us men a dire warning on the reasons why we should treat
our wives a certain holy way and the negative repercussions that will ensue
when we don’t.
Kefa is
telling us to dwell together, not to just be two warm bodies in a room
occupying the same space. We are not to be glorified roommates. He is telling
us to dwell, live, share our lives together with our spouse, with the full
knowledge that they are different than we are by Divine, creative design. So
how are men and women different besides the obvious physical characteristics
and differences?
For the most
part with the admittance of exceptions to the rule, men are generally rooted in
concrete logic where as women are more emotional and abstract thinkers. Men are
head and women are heart. Men are visually stimulated moreso than mentally and
emotionally stimulated like women. These traits seem like opposites, but just
as the colors of the rainbow all comes from one source of light and creates a
wide spectrum of colors, so to, logic and emotion come from One Source and are
not opposites but simply different ends of the spectrum that must meet and
balance in the middle.
You see, one
also must understand that guys come to Torah much differently than women. Guys
come to Torah like soldiers; “GOD commanded it, I’ll do it and that’s that!”
Women on the other hand are wooed to Torah like a Harlequin romance novel,
usually through the Feasts. So to just say, “See, here it is woman, in plain black
and white, so snap to it!” does not fly and now you can understand why.
As we all
know, in Genesis the Holy One created us male and female and woman came out of
man through his side, which in the Hebrew means side, implying half and not a
simple rib as we lose some meaning in translation. Hence, the saying regarding
one’s spouse “My better half.” If GOD is One and there are male and female,
even though we address GOD in the masculine, for Him to create females with all
their wonderful complexities, the LORD Himself must have feminine attributes
and qualities within Him. In fact He does and this mostly comes out in the
operation of the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit). Matter of fact, the Hebrew for
the Ruach HaKodesh is grammatically in the feminine. With that being said,
GOD’s goal for men and women in marriage is to be a living example of GOD’s
Oneness and wholeness by living in balance with our unique masculine and
feminine qualities. So often as men and women, we clash and knock heads
needlessly due to our lack of understanding of one another, when all along YHWH
intended us to live and operate like a well-oiled machine.
Likewise,
ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the
wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of
life; that your prayers be not hindered. – I Peter 3:7
Kefa is
imploring us men to live in and with and to act and react appropriately to our
wives in full knowledge of all (physically, mentally, emotionally and
spiritually) the differences between the sexes. GOD intends for us to be living
examples of His Oneness and in the process learn more about and draw closer to
our GOD.
This really
hit home for me when I, a pessimist and my wife an optimist had been married
for several years and knowing our respective character traits were both extreme
and unhealthy, but as the years passed we have rubbed off on each other and
both became balanced realists, although she still tends to be more optimistic
than I and I more pessimistic, however, when the extreme nature of our traits
decides to show itself the one can talk the other down from the ledge to come
to a more down to earth realistic and balanced view.
Adam and Eve
were created to be like a King and Queen on the earth, to rule as a couple, yet
as one, and so the Scriptures and the Rabbis of old encourage us to treat our
wife as a Queen and to understand and consider all the differences between us
when working together and communicating with one another. For when we fail to
lovingly take our wives into consideration in our lives circumstances and
situations, in GOD’s eyes we have become belligerent and selfish and as a
result GOD sees the injustice with which we are treating our wives and the
portals of heaven are closed to our supplications. If we are one as a couple,
even as the Godhead is One (Gen. 1-3, John 1, 17, Deut. 6) and we both as
creations come from The One, then in failing to properly consider our wives we
have unwittingly sinned against not only our wives, but ourselves and have thus
offended the Ruach HaKodesh of YHWH! When our relationship with our spouses
breakdown, so does our relationship with the Almighty GOD.
So how does
this apply to a man who comes to Torah but the wife is standing on the
sidelines with her arms folded with a look of stubborn skepticism on her face?
Women were
created to function and respond best in an environment of security and
stability where they know they are loved, cared for and are considered in huge
life altering decisions. Men’s usually methods of operation is to logically see
how a change is best for all involved and proceeds immediately without warning
and without fully realizing it throws the carefully balanced environment of the
home and marriage on its head. It makes the women feel not like an equal
partner but an inferior child or worse a piece of property that has no say in
such crucial life altering decisions. We men just assume the women will see and
agree with and go along with our logic and thank us for it. Instead we find out
we get hell and wonder why! With this type of reaction we men feel the woman is
being “illogical” “irrational” and rebellious which makes us bitter as if we
are being disrespected as the “head” and makes us feel emasculated and that we
are losing face and control and we ironically react in an illogical and irrational
manner and say things like, “I am the man of the house!” “The Bible says for, ‘Wives
to submit!’” Yeah, but it also says to live with our wives in an understanding
way so that our prayers will not be hindered. So our reaction out of a bruised ego
causes us to operate in the flesh and negatively compound the situation and we,
like it or not, push our wives away and insert a wedge of mistrust. This is not
loving our wives as we love ourselves, nor is it loving our wives as Messiah
loves the called out assembly.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. – Col. 3:18-19
What really
needs to happen here, which lay beyond the scope of this paper, is a correct
and healthy Scriptural understanding of men and women and their respective
roles.
So, back to
the issue at hand:
“Rabbi,
please talk to my wife she won’t listen to me, she refused to walk Torah with
me and give up her pagan ways!”
It is not
about your wife not listening to you, or rebelling against you, it is about you
not listening to or considering your wife and her feeling safe, secure,
respected, considered and involved.
Perhaps it
will help if I gave my personal testimony here. Like many who were raised in
Christianity, married and then discovered the Hebraic Roots of the Faith I
jumped in with both feet and expected my wife just to see so plainly what I saw
and logically follow suit. But the fact is, I never talked to my wife step by
step as I was going through this metamorphosis and when I fully gave myself
over to Torah she seen it a day-night flip with no explanation. She seen it as
a fad or a kick I was on and trying to drag her to synagogue was like trying to
get her to join me on the latest diet or workout craze. Then without warning
and in obedience to the straight forward Word of GOD I “put my foot down”
without a warning on Christmas and Easter, etc. This shook the home like an
earthquake and destabilized everything my wife saw as firm and sure. I
continued to push, pull and drag my wife as if she were that proverbial
stubborn mule or that poor puppy on a leash trying to keep up with the boy on
his bike that my wife felt unloved and disrespected… and I was bewildered and
clueless.
But thanks
be to the LORD that I smartened up and finally seen it from her perspective and
once I backed off and let her see the consistency in my new walk, to show her
it wasn’t a fad, and when I stopped forcing her and hounding her to go to
synagogue with me, she slowly began to open up and ask me questions about my
this new walk and a healthy dialogue developed which began to pave a road of
reconciliation between us. She later thanked me for backing off and giving her
time to think and that is what opened her up. Now my wife is fully on board and
by my side and boldly and cheerfully gives an answer to family and friends when
they ask why the change in faith. She smiles and says when you read the Word
and look at our faith it just makes sense.
Now I
realize that not every guy will have a happy ending like me. But it is still no
reason for a house to be in turmoil. Rav Sha’ul (Apostle Paul) addressed this,
but ironically it was the woman following Torah and the man not. But I think
you can get the drift and apply this to a situation where the wife remains an
unbeliever in regards to Torah.
So guys,
it’s not necessarily about changing your wife, but changing your thinking and
your attitude.
Men, my
advice to you if your wife will not follow Torah with you is to back off and
agree to disagree in love and maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t. The
more you push, the more she will dig in her heels and resist. Bottom line is
that despite being married we are still nonetheless individuals with our own
free will.
I know that
some guys are embarrassed when they go to synagogue or a Messianic/Natsari
function and people ask where their wife is. They feel that those at the shul
may think they are not truly the head of the house, or that their wife is a
rebellious pagan. This is just the flesh talking and giving you a false view of
the situation and what others think; even if they do think that, so what? The
sin is on them, not you. It’s no biggie, all you got to say is that the two of
you are simply in different places in your spiritual walk right now and leave
it at that. Ask the other to pray and agree in prayer with you that your wife
will develop an open heart and mind to come to Torah. If he is a true brother
and a true believer he will understand and agree in prayer with you without any
condemnation.
But as you
read above in I Cor. 7:13-16 it is not a marital deal breaker. You are still
required to live with your wife in an understanding way, to love her as you
love your own body and to be balanced and consistent in your walk. Who knows,
she may come around when you least expect it.
