Why I Have been Gone for so Long

Why I Have Been Gone for so Long

Kristopher S. Shoemaker

R. Yehudah “Tochukwu” ben Shomeyr

This past year I’ve taken a ministerial sabbatical. At the time I was in a very bad place, physically, mentally and spiritually.  My nerves were shot, I was depressed, stressed out, not sleeping well at all. My allergies and asthma, was out of control. I jumped at every little thing as if I had PTSD. Overthinking and fearful about virtually everything, having a constant and nagging feeling something bad was going to happen and I lived constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I lived with a constant nervous and upset stomach. I was nervous and edgy and snapped angrily at my loved ones over every little and petty thing. I had an over inflated view of my importance in that I felt the world would fall apart or I’d be letting people down if I didn’t update the website, write or post a video, blog and or commentary. I lost my identity, I forgot who I was, who God created and called me to be; trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of me and my calling. I had no peace, no rest; I couldn’t concentrate or think straight. My adrenals were almost shot. I was becoming very ill on so many levels.

Prior to my yearlong sabbatical I had a couple of false starts, a week, 2 weeks, month long sabbatical here and there. Thinking it’s all I needed, all I could afford and jumped back in thinking everything was fine, only to end up again at the end of my rope a week or month down the road. I was burnt out and it was costing me everything. My ministry, my marriage, my relationship with my daughter, as well as family, friends and colleagues. I’m glad I finally surrendered to the process and realized everything wasn’t going to blow up if I took a year off.

I had to regain my health, physically, mentally and spiritually. I had to find myself again. I realized ministering, (if you want to call it that in my current state) in that state I was in was slowly killing myself and not doing myself or anyone I ministered to any good because I wasn’t at my best. In essence I was cheating everyone and God because He couldn’t use all of me. If I was a gas tank I would have been running on fumes. For this I wish to apologize to everyone and ask for your forgiveness.

The first think I did was announce on all my social media accounts that I was taking a yearlong sabbatical and to please not to disturb me during this time. Everyone graciously obliged, understood and respected that, and I am every so grateful; thank you. Then I went dark on social media for a few months. I didn’t check messages or mail, I never posted, blogged or tweeted. Let me tell you it was liberating!

I began by hanging up my kippah, tallit, tefillin and siddur; putting away everything Rabbinical or Judaic, even to the point of not following the weekly Torah portions and consulted nothing but my Bible. I cut loose from all custom and tradition. I stripped myself down spiritually to the raw, bare bone basics and did my best to walk in the footsteps of Yeshua Ha Moshiach by walking and following in the Torah as He did. I tried to live as if I didn’t have access to anything but the Word. As if I lived in such a place that forbids everything but the Word. Why? Because I found myself keeping form and function out of ritualistic rote and obligation that accompanied false guilt when I failed to follow through or measure up. Why? Because I found myself mechanically dancing the dance but not being intimate with my Partner, God. I sorely needed to cultivate my personal and intimate relationship with HaShem again. And if I found Him again, I’d surely find myself.

Relieving myself of every ministerial duty, custom and obligation, it not only soothed my spirit, but found it was a valve releasing mental pressure like a steam boiler. I felt for the first time in a long time I could breathe!

I began changing my diet, eating right and taking vitamins and supplements as well as began an exercise program consisting of stretching, jogging, boxing and weight training. I realized that being a tricomatic being, being spirit, soul and body, that if I felt ill in one area of my being it would bleed into and affect the others. If I felt bad physically it would have an influence on how I felt mentally and spiritually.

I started to do things I enjoyed and relaxed me such as reading novels, hiking, camping, biking, writing poetry, playing music and drawing. I began to reconnect and spend quality time with my wife and daughter and re-establish and cultivate more intimate and meaningful relationships with them. I had to do a lot of repenting and asking for forgiveness from them for the ways I neglected them and put ministry before them. Putting ministry first is NOT the same as putting God first! I failed to realize that fact.

During this time an old college and society brother heard of my health crisis and sent me the book, “A More Excellent Way to be in Health” by Henry Wright found at www.beinhealth.com. It really caused me to face myself and the demons I allowed to influence my life as well as ones I created. It took me months to read that book because I would read a few paragraphs and have to walk around and pray about what I just read. Slowly, layer by layer I began to deal with issues that were making me sick; finding the spiritual root that manifested as my physical illnesses. Fear and Bitterness I discovered was the root cause of my allergies and asthma, adrenal fatigue and insomnia. There were many people I had to contact and forgive for the things they had done to me that I was holding against them.

During the reading of the book I felt led to wean myself off of my meds. I took half doses for about three months and then one day, I felt the LORD say to me, “You’re done, no more.” By the time I finished reading the book and applying what I had learned I was delivered of fear and bitterness and therefore healed of allergies and asthma. My adrenal glands slowly began to recover and my hypothalamus was returning to homeostasis and allowing me a more restful and restorative sleep. When I saw my doctor and told him all that had happened he was ecstatic, giving me a smile and thumbs up! I have the good fortune of having a Believer for a doctor.

My friend that sent me the book informed me of a conference in the states based on the book where I was able to better apply what I had learned in the book. When it was all said and done, I was totally healed and med free! No allergy pills, no inhalers. The only thing I took was a few vitamins and supplements.

In the process of my healing I found myself again. The God given personality I had lost by suppressing under a veneer of what I thought the public expected a Messianic Rabbi should be. Now that I am unapologetically me, I feel liberated, free and for the first time in over a decade I am genuinely happy!

To publically testify of my healing and give glory to God, on August 1^st, 2015, I ran my first 5K without the aid of any meds or inhalers in 27 minutes, better than average for my age group! God is still in the healing business!

During this time as I drew closer and more personally intimate with The father, I regained a healthy relationship with Hebraic culture, customs and traditions and slowly integrated them back into my life. I now put Torah and Commandments before Tradition and Culture.

I now intuitively feel a keen and healthy balance physically, mentally and spiritually. I have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with my God, my family and friends and a greater understanding of who I am, who God created and called me to be!

As a result I better understand the online ministry God has given me stewardship over. I am not a “Pastoral” Rabbi, I have no, nor desire to, have or run a congregation. My calling online is to edify and educate by teaching, that’s it. To put the teachings out there and let the Holy Spirit do the rest in whoever receives the teachings. My job is not to debate or counsel long distance, or be the Torah answer man for everybody, but to study and teach the Word. As far as here local, in the real world, God is slowly revealing to me what my assignment and calling is here in the community in which I live.

I do hope this will help other ministers and laity who may be burnt out as I was. There is Hope, God is not finished with you yet!

Shalom and blessings in Messiah Yeshua,

Kris Shoemaker (R. Yehudah “Tochukwu” ben Shomeyr)

Torah Trails #1 B'resheet

Torah Trails #1 B'resheet

Rabbi Yehudah ben Shomeyr

Kristopher Shoemaker

B’resheet

Gen. 1:1-6:8

Isa. 42:5-43:10

John 1:1-6

Gen. 1:1-5

In the New Hebraic Year, the previous year has been obliterated and only that which was of God remains standing and the rest was blown away like chaff. Now the Ruach of Elohim (Spirit of God) hovers over the freshly prepared landscape of our lives, ready for a new creation, a new work for the New Year.

The good and bad has been declared, divided and separated, the lines and boundaries made distinctly clear.

Creation, the created order submits to and obeys the Creator, Abba YHWH Elohim (God the Father). The wind does not blow without His say so. The water does not over flow its bounds unless permitted by The Almighty. Creation quietly obeys.

We too are His Creation, if only we were as obedient as the sun, the sprouting plant, or the singing bird, without a peep of protest or complaint. We must take to heart the lesson in this.

If our year was a creation week:

In Tishri and Cheshvan let us allow His Divine Light to reveal and expose any residual chaos or evil in our lives with His Light so that we may deal with such, repent and cast such out into the darkness so that there would be order. May our lives be clearly and properly divided and squared away, ready for His New Work in us.

Gen. 1:6-8

In Kislev and Tevet may the heights of and depths of our being be divided, clarified and expanded and be made ready to receive and contain all that HaShem wishes to fill us with in this New year. May we also gain new insight into the Heights and Depths of our God and become more intimate with Him.

Gen. 1:9-13

In Shevat and Adar let us allow the seeds that had been planted by God in Tishri and Cheshvan in our freshly, divinely weeded garden or our lives to sprout, grow and thrive!

Gen. 1:14-19

In Nissan and Iyyar may we let Abba YHWH Elohim be our sun, moon and stars to rule, light and guide us every moment of everyday of this New Year. May His Divine plan and will for our lives for this year be revealed and made clear that we may work to fulfill His will. May we submit, follow and worship Him more zealously!

Gen. 1:20-23

In Sivan and Tammuz may we allow Him to breathe new life and a new creation and a new work into our sky and sea; the height and depths of our being which we made ready for Him in Kislev and Tevet.

Gen. 1:24-2:3

In Av and Elul as new people may we have a new sense of divine dominion and control over all YHWH has given us and done for us in this New Year; that we’d be found good stewards of what has been entrusted to us. Then we can rest in Him as yet another New Year approaches.

Isa. 42:5-43:10

He has made us a new creation, he has done a new work in us for this New Year; blessed to be a blessing to others! To be not only light bearers but life bringers and givers to the people that are dark, formless, void and troubled waters of a fallen shattered creation (Gen. 1:2).

John 1:1-6

Again, He wants us to be that light such as He is for others, to bring light and life to what was dark and dead. For we are made in His Image (Gen. 1:27).

Let John 1:6 be our motto this year, “There was a man/woman sent from God whose name was (insert your name here).”

Let us allow nothing to stand in our way of drawing closer to Him and being transformed into the Image of His Son, Yeshua the Messiah.

 

Prayer: “Abba YHWH Elohim, please make us new creations as the Psalmist prayed, “create in us a clean heart oh God and renew a right spirit within us” that we may be successful and profitable for You and Your Glory and Your Kingdom this Year. In Yeshua’s Name, Amen!”

Memory Verses: Gen. 1:1, 1:27, 2:7,  Isa. 43:10, John 1:1-6

The Saul Complex: Why Ministerial Mayhen is Rampant in Ministry

The Saul Complex:

Why Ministerial Mayhem is Rampant in Ministry

Gaddiel Odum ben Shomeyr

Some say the problem in circles of ministry and faith, specifically in Christianity and Messianic/Natsari Judaism is Hypocrisy. The reason there are so many “Red Flag” groups, people, ministries denominations, sects and cults today is because of charlatans and hypocrites. I disagree, hypocrisy may be a component but is not the main issue; I think flesh is. I do not necessarily think we have a bunch of hypocrites running around in Natsari Judaism as I do people who have the “Saul Complex.”

A hypocrite is someone who is defined and pretending to be someone they are not. Was Saul legitimately and genuinely called, ordained and anointed by God through the Prophet and Judge Samuel? Yes! But he acted in ways in which he did not live up to or act in ways becoming of the position into which he was called, placed and occupied; much like many politicians today.

A hypocrite is preaching one thing and living another. We do not see this being the case with King Saul. But we do see Saul rationalizing his behaviour and actions whose logic comes out of fear and a spirit that is sick. Hypocrites do not to this; hypocrites do wrong and know they do wrong. Hypocrites live a double life and know they are living a double life. Hypocrites speak out of both sides of their mouth and know they are doing it. They know and try to hide these facts from others. Saul never tried to hide his sin from Samuel, but instead tried to rationalize and explain away his poor decisions. Saul never tried to hide his hatred and his lethal intentions towards David. Hypocrites do not do this.

Let’s briefly take a look at Saul. Saul for one had a low self-esteem. He was tall in stature but lowly in spirit. He felt insignificant and unworthy because he was from the smallest tribe and smallest clan in Israel and was at first so reluctant to be king that he hid (I Sam. 9:21/I Sam. 10:20-24). This is initially why God choose him and could use him as the first King of Israel. We see once he got use to the “captain’s chair” which is the Throne, that his head and chest began to swell a little bit with pride and thought he had more liberties and rights than he truly had and we see this manifest when he did not follow Samuel’s instructions to the letter, later rationalizing it away and when he grew impatient waiting for Samuel and sacrificed without him (I Sam. 13:8-15). This not only revealed his pride but also his fear of the people instead of fearing God. Even in the midst of Saul’s disobedience and sin this did not negate the call, anointing and gifts bestowed upon Saul; did he not still prophecy in the midst of his rebellion (I Sam. 19:19-24) and was he not so anointed that David refused to harm him in anyway (I Sam. 24:6)!?  His disobedience and sin did not negate or retract the call and gifts given to Saul by God but it DID remove the divine hand of blessing upon him and blocked up the divine channels of communications with God (I Sam. 28). Also think of Samson, who was in sin against God and in rebellion against the Nazarite vow to which he was called into and born under, he didn’t lose his anointing, he didn’t lose his strength (until he submitted to the enemy) but instead he lost the protection, blessing and favor of God (Jud. 13-16).

For the gifts and calling of God are without repentance. – Romans 11:29

When confronted by David I believe Saul genuinely was remorseful and saw the error of his ways (I Sam. 24:16-22; 26:17-25) but because he did not fully repent, submit and seek help, his fearful and faulty logic and rationalization out of the sickness of his spirit kicked back in and he rationalized away his pursuit of David. His failure to fully repent, submit and seek help left the door of his soul wide open to permit the evil one to come in (I Sam. 16:14-18; 19:9-10 ).

The example of Saul gives us, I think, a clear picture of why there can be so many legitimately anointed and inspirational teachers and leaders in this movement who have and eventually reveal fatal flaws that hurt themselves and their followers. It’s not that you had the wool pulled over your eyes and you were duped and taken for a ride, it’s that their Saul Complex got in the way of doing right by you and succeeding in ministry.

Imagine if when Samuel told Saul that the kingdom had been taken away from him and given to another, he fully acknowledged his fault, submitted and determined to live out the rest of his reign accepting that it would be David’s and not Jonathan’s and that despite this he would finish out his reign in a godly way to the best of his ability, how different would have been his outcome? Remember, even when Samuel said the kingdom was ripped from him Saul was still called, ordained and anointed as King. If he would have confessed and repented of his sins right then and there and would have totally been submitted and accountable and transparent with Samuel he wouldn’t have gotten the kingdom back, but perhaps we would have read in the Scriptures:

 “King Saul secured the Land of Israel for all of the tribes, He removed the High Places and God delivered him and Israel from all her enemies. King Saul died full of years, and all of Israel mourned greatly for their first king. And Saul slept with his fathers and was buried and David son of Jesse succeeded him as King.”

Instead of:

“And when the men of Israel that were on the other side of the valley, and they that were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled, and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook the cities, and fled; and the Philistines came and dwelt in them. And it came to pass on the morrow, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, that they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa. And they cut off his head, and stripped off his armour, and sent into the land of the Philistines round about, to publish it in the house of their idols, and among the people. And they put his armour in the house of Ashtaroth: and they fastened his body to the wall of Bethshan.” - I Sam. 31:7-10

Our problem today is that our teachers and Rabbis, very few of them are accountable or under submission to anyone thus the rationalizations claimed to be revelations of the Holy Spirit supposedly justifying their actions and reasoning’s. I myself have a group of peers and leaders that I trust that I am accountable to and that I submit to and that are not afraid to call me out and set me straight when necessary.

“…I die daily.” - I Cor. 15:31

Just think! We could literally turn the world upside down the book of Acts style if all these genuinely anointed teachers and leaders within our movement who just have these fleshly hang-ups would totally surrender!

Brokenness is the only cure, the only remedy for the Saul Complex. It took consulting a witch for Saul to finally hit rock bottom (I Sam. 28). It took the scandal with Bathsheba for David to become truly broken and repentant (II Sam. 11-12, Psalm 51).  Like Joshua and Achan, sin in the camp doesn't stop the anointing of God, but it stops the protection, favor and blessings of God (Josh. 6-7).

So now we can see and understand how there can be so much powerful truths, anointed and revelatory teaching in this movement and yet a good synagogue, a good congregation, a good ministry, a good Rabbi, or a good Teacher is so extremely hard to find! We also see how rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft because it opens the door for that evil spirit to come in and sabotage a leader and or a ministry (I Sam. 15:23).

So I suppose another red flag to watch out for is if there is anointing in a leader and or ministry without fruit and blessing following it, run! It’s a red flag!

We so desperately need transparency and brokenness if we are to survive and pass out of the time of the Judges and into the Book of Acts.